.the struggle.

.the struggle.

it's kinda funny how life changes every second.

every minute completely different than the one previous. 

and thats me. 

that's who i am. 

the struggle. 

i'm changing drastically as time rolls along. 

i'm feelin' like a different girl than the one i was ten minutes ago. 

i'm feelin' used and abused. 

i'm feelin' down right lonely in an ugly society. 

the struggle. 

i'm feelin' neglected in my own world. 

and i'm hurting. 

the struggle. 

and as i dwell on what's goin on with me i'm thinking about all the things that i'm currently neglecting in my life by staying. 

i'm neglecting my education...

neglecting my family..

neglecting getting to know my little brother better...

neglecting bills...

the struggle.

i just don't understand what's goin on and i'm saddened. 

Saddened that someone could say..

"i want to devote myself to you" one minute,

and say "you can get the fuck out then.." 

in the next breath. 

and get the fuck out is what i want to do. 

but mostly it's get the fuck out of my life as it is...

let go!

and change it for the better. 

make more of a difference than i currently am. 

do the things that i was born to do. 

nurse. 

teach. 

write.

reach.

 change lives. 

i'm a very influential important person to our society... 

no one knows it yet. 

and its up to me to show them. 

and God willing.. 

i WILL show them.

i'm done struggling.

.another.sleepless.nite.

.another.sleepless.nite.
Current mood: stressed the fuck out but dealing.
.another.sleepless.nite.

another sleepless nite..
and i got u on the brain.

wit u doin laps thru my mind..
i'm visitin that place called insane.

cant deal wit the shyt..
cuz the shyt is equal to the pain..

but looking at u smile
is like a double dose of mary jane.

u knew u loved me before u met me..
the words u told me not too long ago.

and when they parted ur lips..
i knew i'd never let u go.

ur my addiction.
heroin meets love meets crack.
and when i think about the past..
there's no point to looking back.

a time full of pain, hurt, and unimaginable bullshyt.
when mary j. said "real love"
i thought it was something i'd never get.

then you came along.
random was our inquisition.
innocent was our conversation.
and difficult was my decision.

him or you. you or him.
but once the bonding started
his situation was gettin' dim.

in my past..there's not one thing i regret.
not a kiss, not a touch, not a single bet.

my love for you..
is like this pen to this paper.
once u have them both together
they flow naturally in nature.

you might be asking yourself...
what's my secret?
what did i do?

i'll put it like this.
dont look for love.
let that shyt find you.



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.chocolate XTC.

.chocolate.XTC.
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Writing and Poetry

.chocolate.xtc.

u r my chocolate xtc,

sexxi,whyte and str8 stylin'.

i love when u make me melt.

when whyte and milk become one.

how ur chocolate tastes.

i close my eyez in bliss...

becuz i can still smell you,

still feel you.

i miss you even when i'm with u.

cuz i kno..that i won't b alwayz.

and i think about this chocolate constantly.

i find myself doin all kindz of crazzi shyt for u..

i really don't kno why..

it'z not like..we got mini kissez or sumthin..

the way u smile at me...kiss me..love me..

makez me feel sorry for those who don't like chocolate.

whyte chocolate.

my chocolate.

and somethinz tellin' me that this is all wrong..

that it neva shoulda went down.

then i remember that i'm a big girl now..

and i gotta do what makez me happy.

and that would be u.

becuz ur my afrodisiac.

and i neva felt like this before..

i don't want u 2 be myne..

but i don't want 2 b w/o u either.

it'z like takin' candy from a baby..

i'mma cry mah self 2 sleep..

so i can dream about..

what itz like 2 b n the chocolate factory..

producin' so much that we n ovastock.

did i mention that i love chocolate?

i'm miserable wit u not around..

but i play dat shyt off when i c u.

ack like u aint shyt..can't make me feel nuthin.

clown u n the worst kinda wayz..

itz like grade school..

when boyz used 2 push u down cuz they liked u..

i wanna push you down, throw u out, and kick u so bad.

cuz i want u.

i want u 2 stop bullshyttin n b myne.

i kno u alwayz on ya grind..

but i'm juss askin...

when u not so buzzi..

when u think about me..

drop ya girl a line..

b/c chancez r..

that i was ova der feenin' for dat chocolate.

i was juss tryna put myself on a diet.

don't knock it til u try it..

dat whyte silky milk chocolate.

i'm juss sayin that...



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.i'm.trying.2.forget.u.

.i'm.trying.2.forget.u.
Current mood: grateful
Category: Writing and Poetry

.forgetting.

for the past 6 months.

i've been trying to forget you.

forget that you exist...

forget the way u kiss.

forget you.

but it's not that easy to forget someone.

it's not like grade school.

i don't have a "Super Big Eraser"

to erase your footprints in my heart.

and although..i haven't forgotten..

how you broke it..

I also haven't forgotten

how you won it.

but...if it was easy to forget..

to forget that you exist.

i'd probably opt out..

and torture myself instead.

cuz i loved how it felt to be

with you, near you, around you.

those memories..i can't regret.

i'll never forget.

i'll just continue to..

try to forget you..

instead.

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_deleted_


yes and no. there are more than a few people i've been trying to forget..but can't seem to. i'm even in the process of creating a tat in binary code/art work for one of these said people..who will be the ONLY one (and...one other unfortunate soul) to know what it means on my body. but yea. sorta.

Posted by _deleted_ on November 4, 2006 - Saturday at 2:44 AM
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.Mi.Amistad.

.Mi.Amistad.
Current mood: content
Category: Writing and Poetry

Mi Amistad

So we fucked, we chilled

rolled a blunt and tyme we killed.

Yea..you made me laugh..

put a smile on my face

but I can only think about

what we were when we moved in this place.

This night was just like any other.

With us goofin' and jokin' on each other..

I have to admit...I was a lil' blazed..

When you asked me I thought about the old days.

"Come watch this movie wit me" you said.

"It's from the beginning" you said.

My mind said..

"I just want to breath the same air as you"

So my heart and mouth said

"yes" while I played off irritance with an eyeroll.

We watched Amistad..

Amistad with my amistad.

And I don't know if it was the herb..

Or

if it really was the best fucking movie I've ever experienced.

I saw black bodies chained and changed.

I saw confusion and turmoil.

I saw you..through this movie.

And for you...mi amistad...I cried.

It was definately the part where they drowned the slaves.

Where you could see them from the underwater perspective..

being pulled down into a death in chains...into a watery grave.

it was at that part that I stopped breathing.

Because I saw this life for you..my Amistad.

And I turned to look at you..which gave me back my breath.

Because you were on the floor not breathing also.

Tears were streaming down the face of my strong black amistad...

I breathed only to help you breath.

Picking you up from the floor I shoke da shyt out of you.

I shoke you because I loved you,

Because I couldn't figure out what was happening...

Because I was scared for you.

I asked you.."what...what's wrong"...

You cried and attempted to explain while jumbling your words.

Left the room...made a few calls..came back to me..

and simply said..

" I need to get my life right"

It was then...that I knew that I loved you.

I saw god in you like I never did before.

I wanted to be Mrs. Amistad..

because more than ever before..

You were my friend.

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And Her Name Is Me!!!!!!


eRRRRRR wHO tHIS bE aBOUT?

Posted by And Her Name Is Me!!!!!! on October 5, 2006 - Thursday at 6:39 PM
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.everything.ain't.as.it.seems.

Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry

everything.ain't.as.it.seems.

i'm da one who nods when you speak..and smiles n your face

while all the while thinking "damn i hate yo ass."

i'm da teacher taught to teach...

yet thinkin fukk it at the beginnin' of every single speech.

i'm ya husband late from work...

cuz i was liftin mah secretary's skirt.

i'm not what i appear to be..i'm a fake ass individual..so its bout tyme you meet the real me.

i'm...um....at a lost for words..cuz i'm the pastor that rolls da benz while my building and congregation look like shyt.

i'm da peer pressure that you finna get.

i'm the like that turned into love..that turned in to..i um..think we should see other people..that turned in to him fucking yo' homegirl.

i kno its hard to interpret..that i'm not this facasade..but i aint..

i can only be me..and dats what i'm tryna be..even if..dat me...aint...shyt.

i don't think you're gettin wat i'm tryna get u to get..but umm...lets go ahead n give u one mo good hit.

i'm dat solider fighting in a war with no purpse for a country dat don't give a fuck about me or kno me by name..while my president plays mini golf.

i'm the one broke ass white family actually living in the suburbs.

fakin the funk on a daily basis cuz i don't want muthafukaz to think we a bunch of punks..

i'm a dat student that iz goin' good wit da 4.0 minus da fact that every test and assignment has been plagerize..i hope that they don't find...

that i ain't what i appear...i'm not really me..i'm...i'm...not what i seem.

i'm a crack addict that used to be rich so sumtimes when i'm talkin to myself..u should listen cuz this sum deep shyt.

i'm juss me. what else should i be?

i hope u are enjoyin this reality check that you're experiencing

cuz this myte be the first and last tyme..u see the real me..

i'm not who i appear to be..and i'm sorry for dat..but..

shyt..u shoulda known...

everythin ain't perfect..

and sum feelinz..was gonna get stepped on..

and i'm not as sorry as i look..

i can only be me..

real or fake..its what i intend to be.

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.invisible.

Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry

i juss got back from black poetry nite @ da cella..n boy wuss it poppin n der! i'm def hittin up dat sigma party next weekend but...rite now..i feel inspired to write a lil bit...ya feel me..so this first one iz called invisible..and the second one (different post) will be called "everything ain't as it seems"

Invisible

I iz for me...who i am..who i be..

Neva needin' no niggaz, no handoutz, no...NOTHINN..

Vizualizin' who i once was..who inspired me 2 change..yet..

Insisting...that...I AM SUMBODY...in da flesh...

Sensastions of how high u get me off how lyrically dope you are.

Issues so persistant on changing our character..tryna break black bitches.

Beautiful Brown Body...Bathed N Sweet Mocha Kisses.

Lyez 2 Tounge Tied for ya own damn good...even tho u knew da nigga would...u still let him..

Eat...that beautiful delicious tasty..sweet..

NEVER MISSIN A BEAT..

but den u realize...dat u aint shyt. Dat the game u was gave was used way back n the slave days..

and u ask yourself...how fucking invisible...AM I?

r these imaginary tears that run down an afrikkan queen'z face?

What exactly do you gotta be on to play games like da men of this race...

N by race I mean...human...not

black,white, hispanic,asian...or nething else that comes to mind..

cuz that is just anotha seperation that we created against our own kind..

and u think...invisibility..lies within me..

it's what i breathe...its what I see..who I be..

Invisible..to everybody BUT me.

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